Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Mother

Looking back on my time in the womb, I can remember being so super, duper excited to enter this world. But immediately after I was pushed through the cunt (literally), I became aware that the grass is never greener on the other side. Especially within an earshot of my fucking no-good, dirty, rotten bitch ma. It was apparent at the onset when the doc handed me over to be cradled by her disgusting, mutany arms. At first glance I could not believe my eyes, but after about ten seconds it sunk in. And so I turned to the doctors and simply said, "You have got to be shitting me."

And it probably comes as no surprise that things have gone more downhill than Ricky Williams' football career. During the toddler years, it was only her face that made me want to fill my diapers on the hour, every hour. But once I entered early childhood, and her intolerable voice became a fucking screeching nag, I knew I had to up the ante.

At the tender age of 7, after learning that nicotine and caffeine are essentially laxatives, I consumed coffee, cigs and dippers by the pound. At first I would clog her toilet, leaving post-it notes saying, "Oops I did it agian" and "Sucks to suck shit-for-vag, have fun scooping this out with a spoon." But she quickly acclimated and started using my toilet without flushing.

After her retaliation, I dedicated my life to erase any bit of happiness the good-for-nothing cuntmuffin claimed. And so for a few years, I trained myself to produce any variety of dump imaginable on a moment's notice. Giant floaters,  hershey squirts, green goblins and heaps-a-nuggets consumed my every thought and behavior. I didn't care- the bitch should've had throat and face surgery and maybe I would have pooed a little less. Maybe...

The years I have dedicated to mastering this art has reaped immense benefits. Besides making my bitch ma incapable of happiness-it has fulfilled my own happiness; something many people spend their whole lives struggling to find. So kids, I will leave you with some final thoughts: "Deuces are useless unless put to use. Try saying that five times fast...it's really hard."

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