You can imagine my surprise when, after commiting such a heinous deed, I recieved a warm welcome home from my mother. She was frolicking around like a little fucking preschooler yelling, "I'm so pwoud of my wittle boy! He's going to COLLEGE!" Flabergasted, I was almost too speechless to tell her to shut the fuck up. But I did.
"What the fuck has made you so extra delusional today. The only way I could have gotten in was if his bombshell secretary offered him a blowjob on the condition that I be accepted." I said nervously, thinking that she may be uttering the truth. And, seemingly unable to hear or comprehend my worried state, she said, "I received the call just minutes before you walked through the door. I am in disbelief. You must have nailed it! He was so funny. He said that he could tell you 'don't take shit from anyone, only give it. A most admirable character trait.' How whimsical! And I thought, 'that's my boy!' Golly, I'm so proud of you!"
I examined her wide smile (something I hadn't seen in years) and ogling eyes in disgust. I stood there horrified, realizing that for the first time in my life my rearend had failed me. My confidence was shot and my incomrehensible anger was excacerbated by bitch ma's prancing around all happy and shit. So I slapped her and headed to my lair to down my sorrows in a tin of grizzly. Four years of livin' the dream down the toilet.